Oma.

My 84 year-old neighbor and I were sitting in her living room. I was intently listening to her. She was talking about the Second World War and how she escaped the possibility of being sent to a prison cell in Germany for helping a jew contact her parents. She is still convinced that she did not do anything wrong.

I sat there in awe, full of admiration for the fragile old lady. This woman is a hero, I thought. But Oma went on with her story. She was narrating her story like it happened last month only. Her facial expression told me all the anger, pain, sorrow, and hatred she had to suffer in the hands of the German Nazis. I of course could not fathom with my tiny brain the horrors she had bear, to survive.

As I bike back home, I suddenly became very conscious of those houses that used to strike me as mansions with beautiful gardens. Those are the buildings that Oma mentioned in her story. There was this one particular house that I was quite fond of before. It used to be a Nazi prison. Now, it is a residential home. I stopped infront of that house..... tried to picture the place some 65 years old. I shuddered and left. All of a sudden, that house looked like the haunted Amityville to me.

I think I understand now why Oma's generation find it hard to forgive and forget the Germans. Because even for sweet, kind Oma, who was barely 17 years old when the war erupted, the Second World War scarred her like none other experience did. She still resents going to Germany. She doesn´t buy German products. She's not even comfortable that our Pope is German. And she still calls those people who helped Germany try to realise their goal, traitors. And boy, you should see the way her eyes would squint like sharp daggers when she talked about that not-so-distant past.

Then I thought about the Afghans, the Iraqi´s, .... those men, women, and kids who are trapped in those war-torn countries. My heart goes to them, but there´s nothing really I can do.

where´s the logic?

I was checking the internet for plane tickets. The prices are ridiculously high. What are these airline companies thinking? That they can just get away with all those taxes they included? It costs now almost twice the amount to travel to the Philippines! This makes me really angry.

If they want to earn more, they should go after the business class passengers. But economy passengers? Hey, come on! We are just ordinary citizens trying to keep our finances afloat!

I really don't understand. The dollar is depreciating, but the commodities are appreciating. Where´s the logic behind that?

A greenie friend of mine said that she was rather happy that the prices of plane ticket went up. She said that if people could no longer afford to fly, the atmosphere will become cleaner. Mother Earth will heal. Again, where´s the logic?

A politician said that discouraging people to travel, will keep them home. Which means, savings for the family, hence savings for the country. Sounds logical, doesn´t it? Think again! The next day, a picture of him and his family vacationing in Cayman Island was on the frontpage of a local newspaper. So tell me, is that logical? That only moneyed people can travel?

As I´ve said, it´s truly unsettling and annoying. Perhaps, we will witness again in the not-so-far future an upsurge of violence to end the reign of these terroristic inflation. For how do we overcome the limitations of both common sense and reality! Because really, where´s the logic?

anxiety.

I had frequented the hospital last week, .... and also this week. Too often in fact that I am now familiar with faces there; that one doctor would wave at me everytime he sees me! But the truth is, I don´t really like hospitals. It reminds me of death..... of our mortality..... the omega.

I have trouble sleeping lately. Everytime I close my eyes, I feel like drowning. That there is this powerful sucking force that makes me feel like a leaf at the mercy of the wind. I also feel like I am going to die in my sleep. This is the reason why I take sleeping pills nowadays. You see, sleeping pills numb the senses.... the brain. You don´t have to think. You don´t have to be a responsible adult. In fact, you don´t have to be anything. It´s just you and sleep.

Which brings me to my next thought. What happens to us when we go to sleep? Of course, there are millions of articles, dissertations, books, and studies made about sleep. But nobody had really come up with a concrete answer. Until now, we still don´t really know what happens the moment we close our eyes and jump into that abyss where time seems infinite.

So can you blame me if I don't want to sleep anymore? hahahaha

The Big "D"

We all heard about Dr. Jekell and Mister Hyde. Depression. Such a big word.

I read in the newspaper that 1 out of 3 Dutch suffers from some form of depression. That's about one-third of the 17 million Dutch population. Freaky, isn't it? So I asked myself, what causes depression? Why are some people more prone than others? What are the possible causes?

Well, there's genes. Some people are born with it. In the Netherlands, they are referred to as children who were born on a rainy Monday, or something like that.

Childhood trauma or abuse causes depression also. Health problems. For instance, someone with multiple sclerosis. Loneliness and isolation will surely lead to depression. There´s also financial strain, and burn out. Oh, and there´s the winter depression.

What about if someone threatens to kill himself? Is that a simple threat? Or, do we take that seriously?

Then I wonder.... I wonder, how come we don't hear about depression in developing countries like the Philippines? Are we too ashamed to talk about it? I know we have several mental hospitals spread across the country but, a half-way hospital (as they are referred to here) for depressed patients? Don't tell me there aren't depressed patients in the Philippines! Don't tell me they can forget about their depressed mental state while singing My Way!

What about having a happy, God-fearing, and loving (extended) family? Does that count why we, Filipinos, are happy people? I think, it does!

Mother of Pearl.

I have a new reader ... my Ma --- thanks to my older sister, Ate, who downloads and prints my blogs for her. Ma tirelessly and patiently reads my blog these days. hahahahaha

I actually feel elated. I mean, who wouldn´t? My Ma is a very good writer.... perhaps one of the best in the province, in my opinion. I used to read her poems when I was growing up. Sometimes, I would copy and post them on my study table or in my textbooks to remind me of her, and for inspiration. I always thought I could read her mind that way.... or, be connected with her innermost thoughts which was home of course.

That was before..... when Ma had time to indulge in the fascinating world of reading and writing. She still reads all right, but writing has taken a back seat.

Now, she's a retired grandma and recently became my number one fan! I'm overjoyed. hahahahahaha

But there's another face to this story. Ma is also my silent editor.... my critic. We discuss my blogs nowadays, and she would always give me a 5-minute lecture on grammar and syntax. This, I find, rather endearing and to some extent, amusing. I guess, I´ve matured. After all, I´m a middle-aged woman now!

Whereas before we would have our lengthy discussion, argument, and sometimes, brawls as to who is right, I actually listen to her now. You see, my Ma had always encouraged that among us. She said that arguing is a healthy form of mental gymnastics.

Some people do not agree with her, saying that we are being discourteous and disrespectful to her. But for Ma .... if you could defend and fight for your argument to the very end , she will listen and at times, even consider what you´re saying. She keeps an openmind .... always. And she stays calm.

Now that we are grown ups, Ma has become the elder of the tribe. Our tribe. She now embodies the very essence of motherhood. Our everything really. She gives birth to wise ideas ; lends an ear and sometimes support our not-so-sound decisions; provides laughter and sunshine when everything seems dark; gives strength and hope when needed; and loves unconditionally. After all, we are hers no matter what!!! hahahahaha

At the end of the day, we are both happy with this blog thing..... why, we are more reconnected now than ever. I´m not saying that because she reads my blog. I say that from a point of view of child who must have been difficult to raise.

I am after all the artist in the family. As my little sister Cpie would say, we don´t have to understand what you´re doing or saying, but hey, we´re listening and we're here for you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA